Dysfunction seems to be my family’s speciality.

I’m not one to publicly rant about what’s going on in my life.  But recently I’ve found that by writing down the recent anger that’s been boiling up inside, it relieves some of the tension in my head.  And this is the only place left on the Internet where friends and family don’t follow me.  Well, except Sam (but she knows everything already).

I grew up thinking that family was supposed to be the one thing in the world that you could automatically rely on.  The small family unit would always be there when you needed them for support or to cheer you up.  I didn’t have any reason not to believe that; my mom’s side of the family was always very interactive and familial and though I saw my dad’s side of the family more often (simply because they were closer to us than the Pittsburgh side), I always attributed a feeling of “home” with them.  My dad’s side of the family was the younger, more adventurous side of the family.  We would get together constantly for random dinners or big parties at my grandparents house and just mess about.  Fun never ceased to be a part of that side of the family.

As I’m now 21 years old, I’m realizing more and more that all of that was just an illusion.  Sure, every family has their problems.  And my problems may seem minuscule when compared to those who have divorced or abusive relatives.  But, I never would have thought that my childhood would be the peak of my family’s existence.  And if things suddenly turn around, I will be thoroughly surprised.

Everything was just peachy until my uncle and my paternal grandmother decided to uncover the whole battle of religion fight that had been brewing for a while and then everything exploded on that side of the family.  My father and I were constantly throw into the middle of it.  And then when my uncle’s family and my family decided to go on a vacation, all hell broke loose between me and my cousin.  I’d like to say that our two families are finally okay, but we’ll never be as tight as we once were.  Though, strangely, I’m not worried about that.  I learned a lot about everyone involved in that debacle.

I never would have thought that my mother’s side of the family was capable of the same kind of ignorance.  And the fact that my grandfather is now battling Alzheimer’s, it’s even more baffling.  My mother’s younger brother always used to be the “cool” uncle.  But because I’m older, I can’t help but observe his disrespect towards my grandparents.  They’re not old, but they’re not young – both in the 80’s now.  And yet, he’s constantly asking them to babysit for him and making them drive a long way to their house.  He yelled at my grandfather for knocking over a glass at a dinner once.  A glass!  And my grandfather started crying.  I’m sorry, but if you make your dad cry, you are definitely doing something wrong.

I wish I could say all this dysfunction stayed out of the nuclear family unit, but that’s not the case.  More so these days, I feel like an only child.  I’m the oldest in the family and while I’m a senior in college and bracing for the outside world now, I will admit to being a very traditional person.  My friends all talk about talking about their brother and sisters and the things that they do together and I can’t help but feel a little bit depressed and jealous.  My younger sister absolutely hates my guts because I took the car she drives to school for a week.  It was a week without it and she hasn’t talked to me since.  So that’s nice.  And then my brother and I never talk.  Yes, I realize that he’s a freshman in college and he’s in his own little world, but just knowing he’s alive would be nice from time to time.  And I try to get him to talk, send him a few “Good Morning” texts or random Snapcht’s of silly faces…but I never hear back from him.

If this is what I knew when I was growing up, I would have tried my absolute hardest to keep it from happening.  My parents wonder all the time why I want to travel the world or move out to California almost immediately after school, but when the alternative is to be back at home with a skeleton of a family… I’d rather not.

So that’s my rant.  And I apologize.  Not like anyone is really going to read this.  But it was nice getting it off my chest.


Just some thoughts:

First of all, HELLO!  It’s been quite a while since I’ve been on here and I’m sincerely sorry for that.  What have I been up to, you ask?  Well, it’s been a crazy few months.  I had an internship with a production house and they offered me a job for after graduation which is UNBELIEVABLE!  I’m so excited, I loved it there.  I decided to suck it up and go back to work at the restaurant from hell as well.  Let’s just say, I’m glad that I’m done with that place.  Oh, and senior year of college started about two weeks ago.  Senior year?  What?  Yep, which means senior projects and graduation are just around the corner.  It should prove to be an interesting year.

I’m sure everyone is aware of today’s date.  And whether you’re reading this in America or in a different country – we all know why this day is so meaningful to a lot of people.  I always wake up on September 11th knowing that the day is going to be heavy with remembrance and a few tears.  It’s always a very somber day right from the get-go.

Much like everyone else, I can remember that day like it was yesterday and the thought that it’s been 11 years already is mind blowing to me.  So much has changed in the world since then.  It was 12 years old when the attacks happened.  I was at school and lunch had just begun when the principal came on the microphone.  He began to explain what had happened as simply as he could, careful not to say anything too morbid that would send our innocent personalities into tears.  As soon as his explanation was over, my friends and classmates started going home once after the other, like dominoes.  The teachers were very hush about what was happening – we didn’t learn much the rest of the day.

Living so close to DC made the situation even more chaotic.  My dad and little brother (who had been home sick that day) came to pick me and my sister up just as I was going back into school from recess.  It wasn’t until I got home and in front of a TV that I could see the attacks.

I’ve never seen a country come together as unified and quickly as we did in those moments after the attacks.  One of the things I take the most pride in in being American is our sense of nationalism.  It’s amazing to know that in our most vulnerable and devastating times, people of all races, generations and backgrounds can come together and have undying support and love for one another.  It makes me sad to know that that unity now is only displayed yearly during this sad day or whenever there is a tragedy.  In a world that could use a lot more love, we are unable to find that compassion that I know we are capable of.  And it doesn’t just go for America.  It’s a worldwide thing.

The people that we’re fighting within our own borders – gays, immigrants, different religions – are the people that we wrapped our arms around that fateful day and declared our love for.  They could be the heros that saved as many people as they could.  They could be the people sacrificing their lives in war for our security and freedom back home.  It doesn’t matter who they marry or what their occupation is or how much money they have, we need to love them just as much as we did back in 2001.

Yes, terrorism needs to be stopped.  But let’s not jump to conclusions about who terrorists are.  There is no need to automatically assume that all Muslims or people from the Middle East are out to destroy us.  What does that say about our people?  It doesn’t say anything good, that’s for sure…

I hope your remembrance isn’t just a yearly thing.  We should remember those who died on this day and those who die overseas every day for the sacrifices they made.  Nothing in this world is guaranteed.  And to be cliche, life is short.  Live it well and live it proudly, but live it in love and selflessness.  Because that’s what the world needs more of.  Not violence, not hate, and definitely not sadness.

I’ll leave you with this speech by Jon Stewart during The Daily Show’s first show back from September 11, 2001.  It’s one of the best post 9/11 speeches I’ve ever come across.

Never Forget.

A Little Rant: What I’m Doing With My Life.

That’s the question actually – what am I doing with my life?  Why did I pick a business with a 2% success rate?  A business where not being successful by the age of like 16 is seen negatively?

Sure, I could name all the reasons why I love film and writing and how they both come so naturally to me, but it doesn’t really seem to calm my mind.  I’m currently sitting in my bedroom, reading stories of all these 18-20 year olds who already have number one selling albums in multiple countries, have been in 20 different successful movies, touring around the world…BUYING THEIR OWN HOUSES!  They’re 16 years old, why do they need their own house?

It’s even more frustrating to know that I picked a business where you get places based on association.  Want to know how many people I know that could help me break into the business?  Oh that’s right, no one.

Excuse my rotten attitude today, I’ve just been doing a lot of thinking and it’s led to this.  I promise I’ll be nice and cheery in the next post.

What I’m Listening To: Teeny Bopper Songs.

I’ll admit, I was afraid to admit that I began to like these teeny songs that have been playing constantly on the radio.  I’m almost 21 years old, I thought I was way too mature for songs about phone calls or by boy bands (unless they were boy bands that I had grown up with).  Clearly, I was wrong.

So what songs, you ask?  I’m sure you know of them.

1) Carly Rae Jepsen – Call Me Maybe.

It all started with watching the video of celebrities such as the Beibs, Selena Gomez, and Ashley Tisdale lip synching in some mansion that had taken the internet by storm.  It took a matter of hours for everyone in the world to become obsessed with the song – Facebook status’ galore, tweets of the lyrics…you name it, it was everywhere.

So I looked up the song, listened to it a few times and that was it.  That was all I needed.  It’s one of those songs that you just can’t get out of your head.  It’s a stupid song – who cares about if a boy calls you back or not? – but it’s relatable at the same time.  I’ve gone through that.

For me now, however, the song is no longer Call Me Maybe.  It has been forever turned into Call Me Krecji, after the Boston Bruins player David Krecji.

2) One Direction – What Makes You Beautiful.

This story is very similar to the Call Me Maybe ordeal.  Boy bands seem to be making a comeback these days, everyone from the Backstreet Boys to 98 Degrees are getting back together.  Everyone except NSYNC – that’ll be a different post.  Anyways, my cousin kept talking about this amazing boy band, saying that she had officially become a “directioner.”  She had told me numerous times to at least give them a listen, and I did, but found them very annoying.

Now, the song is ALL over the radio and internet – celebrities are obsessed with them, they’re even getting the Glee treatment tonight in the prom episode.  I guess they’re the real deal.  Like the previous song, it’s grown on me and I find myself constantly singing it.  I only know the first few lyrics of the chorus, but it’s enough to get stuck in my head and never leave.

Blogs For Thought: In Too Deep.

In Too Deep is my personal Tumblr site.  I don’t talk a lot and post mainly about entertainment – TV shows, movies, and sports.  There’s an occasional post of an inspiring quote or landscape, but not a lot.

If you guys ever want to hear me talk less, check it out!


What I’m Listening To: Chester See and Tiffany Alvord “The One That Got Away.”

Such a beautiful cover.  I like it so much better as a duet.

MTV Movie Awards: Best Kiss.

So, it’s 11:42pm here and as usual, I’m bored out of my mind.  I could write or I could pinterest (which is so addicting), but I find myself on Youtube.  This will never ever ever get old.  Never.

Also, it’s such a shame that these two broke up.  They were perfect together.